This story is not going in the direction you think it’s going.
Today, in another example of my run of bad luck, I had no change for the bus and my rent payment emptied my account so I had to walk 3 miles home but it was OK because I decided to make the best of it and I walked through the botanical gardens and read the memorial benches and ran into a friend and I walked past the lake and my old school and it was lovely because even though I have no money and I can’t get a mortgage and I have to have a CAT scan and no one will publish me, walking through all my old haunts really did show me how far I’ve come and how far I’ll still go. It was a good walk.
Today I got shouted at by a nurse for asking why my 09:30 appointment was 45 minutes late and then I found out I have to have a CAT scan
Now I am going to a mortgage advisor to see if I really do have to wait a whole year to apply for a mortgage
I have no plans this weekend so I’ll probably just sit quietly
I give up on this week. Nothing good is going to happen. Maybe next week I’ll save the world and write ten books and something will go right, but this week? I think it’s dead in the water.
I don’t want to write love poems any more.
I have tried
god knows I have written until
my fingers bled like a
and all for nothing
no sweet coil of ecstasy and shame
that only comes
but I can’t write love poems
because I love like androids in
all hollowed out and shelled
curled like a comma
on an empty mattress.
Do you want
do you want to
no no no no -
because I wanted to write love poems
and this is how humans love
When I was sixteen
I asked my friend how it felt
she shrugged around her smile
all thin and parallel lines
it hurt and I wasn’t ready
I wondered why
but that’s the thing, isn’t it
no-one’s ever ready the first time
I didn’t understand why humans needed practice
when love comes easily
to other things
but it had never come easily
I’d never known
Do you want me to stop?
yes yes yes yes -
as I raped myself on your fingers
and wondered if I was writing a love poem
it didn’t feel like love -
Because you don’t look like you’re that into it -
No-one’s ever ready the first time!
Do you want to, though?
That’s why we do it.
Isn’t it normal?
This is normal.
And I haven’t written a love poem since
to the shell of your ear by
I would have screamed myself hoarse
to tell the truth
and your fingernails marked me
crescent moons and eclipses
on flesh that wasn’t yours to claim
It’s all the same
So I’ll write about sadness
because that has always been
to androids like me
and I don’t want to try again.
If you want proof that my life has gone to shit, today an ex coworker said to me ‘I’m glad I’m not you’
this coworker was fired from his £100k job for becoming addicted to cocaine and he has now separated from his wife and works 10 hour days in a call centre for minimum wage while attending AA meetings
Hahahahahaha yeah like anything was going to go well for me
Cheers, Natwest bank, for telling me I was highly likely to be approved for a mortgage, waiting for me to find a flat because you couldn’t tell me definitively until then, and then when I’ve found a flat I love, rejecting my mortgage application
Fuck you so, so hard.
I am at the bank to do mortgage stuff and because the guy was 35 minutes late I have got him to make me a cup of tea
Anwen, real life stern grown up woman
My mother has taken to calling the cat ‘Titty Head’ in a Texan drawl
she is going to give him a complex
also thank you everyone who has sent me messages and comments and whatnot the past few days, I will reply eventually!! I have just been busy crying and working and looking at flats and occasionally respiring
all my Tumblr is these days is ‘OOOOMG THE FLAT I MIGHT BUY’ and ‘I AM SO SAD’ and a bit of ‘HERE IS A BAD BIT OF WRITING’. Normal service should resume soon. Maybe. I hope.
I have another viewing for the flat I’m in love with tomorrow oh golly gosh and goodness I’m so excited
Today I saw another flat and it was nice but it didn’t say WOW to me and I haven’t stopped thinking about the other flat since I first saw it so
Aaaaaah this is the biggest decision of my life and I once had to decide between velvet boots and glittery ones