The world will always want you. It always will.

I am going to wash my hair now and my hair has never been this good so I took a picture for posterity. Pray for me that it will be equally lustrous tomorrow.
I am off to London tomorrow to see some people that I can tolerate really well, so my queue will be entertaining you until Friday evening.
Also, I’m free in London and probably on my own from 11am until 4pm on Friday, so if any of my followers are also free in London from 11am until 4pm and don’t have a history of violent crime, hit me up!! (Not literally, I did just specify no history of violent crime)

I am going to wash my hair now and my hair has never been this good so I took a picture for posterity. Pray for me that it will be equally lustrous tomorrow.

I am off to London tomorrow to see some people that I can tolerate really well, so my queue will be entertaining you until Friday evening.

Also, I’m free in London and probably on my own from 11am until 4pm on Friday, so if any of my followers are also free in London from 11am until 4pm and don’t have a history of violent crime, hit me up!! (Not literally, I did just specify no history of violent crime)

posted 21 hours ago with 12 notes
#fml

Rating: G
Wordcount: 886

Grantaire is well-versed in the language of flowers. Enjolras isn’t. Which clearly means that Grantaire should act on his ridiculous crush and send him bouquets with hidden messages, right? It’s only logical.

posted 22 hours ago with 6 notes

Flint Coal, PI
The mountains stretched before Template Redhead like they’d been pixelated and then zoomed in. It was beautiful; from every direction rolled the characteristic peaks and troughs of the Black Mountains, dimly lit in the oddly grey-filtered afternoon sun of midwinter. And there, standing just a few feet away, was her boss. Flint Coal, PI. A living legend, despite only ever having solved about ten cases. And now, hopefully, it was about to be eleven. 
She cleared her throat. “Sir.”
Coal turned from where he was standing, hands in his pockets as he surveyed the bleak scenery, and looked at her coolly, like he had Cornettos for eyes.
"Template," he acknowledged, and turned back to the mountains.
Template felt a shiver of frustration. She had a stormy relationship with her boss, established through two innuendo-filled arguments, and in the two hours since she’d met him, she’d begun to both anticipate and dread his company. 
"We should get back to the office, sir," she said.
Coal huffed a manly, ironic laugh. “We’re already there, Template.” He spread his arms in a benevolent gesture that somehow managed to convey both a sense of wonder and appreciation of nature and of rampant sexual masculinity. “This is my office.”
Template blinked. “The Black Mountains are your office?”
"The world is my office." Coal reached into his blazer pocket and paused. "I’m a maverick, Template." He ran his hand through his salt-and-pepper hair. "I’m dangerous. You shouldn’t be here. And yet you are." He smiled a crooked smile, as though he had once smiled normally but a freak accident had caused it to rotate about 10 degrees. 
Template nodded slowly. “A maverick.”
"Yeah." The smile became more crooked, but charmingly so. On anyone else, it might’ve looked like a warning sign for a stroke, but Coal pulled it off. "A maverick."
"So, like Sherlock Holmes."
The smile vanished as quickly as an erection in a room of undercover Thai ladyboys. “No.”
"Like Poirot?"
"I’m not like fucking Poirot." He narrowed his eyes. "Do you see a moustache?"
"No," Template admitted, although in truth, since their conversation had started about two minutes ago, Coal had already begun to develop something of a five o’clock shadow. He was just that manly.
"So. Not like Poirot," Coal stated, shaking his head at Template’s ignorance.
Template frowned. “Like - “
"Jesus, Template," Coal snarled, animalistic and yet as smooth as the patriarchy’s idea of a perfect pair of legs. "Not like anyone. I’m a maverick. All right? I’m different. I don’t fit the mould. I cut loose, hard and fast."
"Like a Japanese lover?"
Coal blinked. “Actually, I kind of like that.” He pulled a little plastic bag out of his pocket, filled with white powder, and Template flinched. Coal didn’t seem to notice. “Does the Japanese lover have a dark past? A lover with a secret agenda? A mob boss uncle? Serious unresolved daddy issues?” 
As he spoke, he opened the little bag and tipped some of the white powder onto the back of his left hand. Carefully, he sealed the bag again with his mouth and put it back in his pocket, taking out a credit card as he did so. Using the card, he split the powder on his hand into two lines, before looking up at Template expectantly. 
"I’m a maverick," he said. 
She blinked. “OK.”
"I’m just telling you now, in case anything I do seems off-field or dangerous."
"I get it."
"Because you know, not many men carry coke around in their suit pocket."
"Not many, no."
"And not many men would stand on a craggy rock in the middle of nowhere and snort that coke off the back of their gun-callused hand."
"Even fewer, probably."
Coal twisted his lips into that parody of a smile again, eyes sparkling like he’d thrown glitter in the air and forgotten to wear protective goggles. “I’m a maverick, Template.”
"So you keep saying." She pointed at the lines of powder on his hand. "How are you going to snort that?"
Coal looked at his hand, then back at Template, then at the beautiful, raw scenery of the Black Mountains. “Shit.” He pushed his free hand through his silver-flecked locks again, and looked up at her. “Do you have a fiver I could borrow?”
"No!" Template cried indignantly. "I don’t want to keep a cokey fiver in my purse! What if one of the sniffer dogs at the office - the actual office - finds it?"
"Fine, then. I’ll keep the fiver."
"I need it!" Template protested. "Times are tough, you know? Have you heard of economic depression?"
Coal sighed. “How am I supposed to snort coke off my left hand like a maverick if you won’t give me anything to snort it with?”
Template groaned. “Jesus. Use a blade of grass or something. This is your office, after all.”
Coal beheld her, face still a stony mask of disappointment that seemed to betray a hint of his dark past; just by looking at the little furrows between his brow, Template could see that his father had been a drunk who’d left him and his mother when Coal was only six. He grinned at her, and Template felt a coil of uncharacteristic lust in her belly. Sure, Coal was a good twenty years older than her, and she had never shown any romantic inclination to men before, being a lesbian with a series of very attractive girlfriends who she often reminisced about in steamy montage form, but this could work, she thought. She could see herself and Coal, bickering with a steamy undertone of sexual magnetism. 
Coal shook his head fondly. “Damn,” he said. “Damn, you’re spunky.”
Liam and I came up with an idea for the most cutting-edge detective series ever. Get this, right: the main guy, see, he’s like a maverick, really jaded and grizzled and cynical and attractive, and he has this redhead assistant, only she’s totally spunky and witty and also bisexual (so she makes out with loads of hot women, but it’s not like, voyeuristic or gratuitous, it’s just equal opportunities, you know?) and it’s totally unique and it’s never been done before. It breaks all boundaries. It’s avant-garde, exciting. Left-field. Daring. Bold. Brave. We might even throw in a sassy ethnic assistant who has a homoerotic friendship with the protagonist. You know, for representation. It’ll be a ratings smash.
posted 1 day ago with 7 notes

I accidentally put my visage into half sepia and then I realised that it made my hair look softer than the first touch of two lovers reunited unexpectedly on a train platform after years apart, so I kept it
I don’t really have anything to say except my hair looked great today, like A+ tip top funky fresh, and also I’m about 60% sure that something awful might be about to happen but I am taking preventative measures to stop the thing from occurring (I am eating so much chocolate that I feel a bit sick and am changing my bedsheets)
Also, my coworker is in Paris. I am not in Paris. That hardly seems fair, does it?
Have you ever been to Paris?! I’m asking just out of curiosity. I don’t intend on tracing your footsteps and finding all the dead cells you shed there. Haha. I wouldn’t. No.

I accidentally put my visage into half sepia and then I realised that it made my hair look softer than the first touch of two lovers reunited unexpectedly on a train platform after years apart, so I kept it

I don’t really have anything to say except my hair looked great today, like A+ tip top funky fresh, and also I’m about 60% sure that something awful might be about to happen but I am taking preventative measures to stop the thing from occurring (I am eating so much chocolate that I feel a bit sick and am changing my bedsheets)

Also, my coworker is in Paris. I am not in Paris. That hardly seems fair, does it?

Have you ever been to Paris?! I’m asking just out of curiosity. I don’t intend on tracing your footsteps and finding all the dead cells you shed there. Haha. I wouldn’t. No.

posted 1 day ago with 13 notes
#fml


When I get home, I might make a little video of me reading one of those short stories wot I wrote once

I also might not, but I might

so be on the look out for that, or alternatively don’t be

also I’m trying to do a VAT return and it’s not working at all as I planned and so I’m going to hold a pen really tightly in my fist for a few seconds because that will definitely help. It can’t help any less than what I’m doing right now (sitting and staring at a list of paperwork I need but don’t have)

I hope you are all having a tip-top Tuesday and that you woke up this morning with a spring in your step and joy in your heart and money in your bank account and a sense of purpose in your soul

posted 2 days ago with 6 notes

In my life so far, I have met someone called James Kirk and someone called Edward Cullen. I won’t stop until I’ve met a human being with the name of every brown-haired protagonist in a culturally important and commercially successful franchise. Hannibal is next on my list.

posted 2 days ago with 20 notes
#fml

Guys I’m going to die because I was looking through old files and I found this on my hard drive and whaaaaaaaaaaaat

I was a bit ill one day and I ended up writing this and it takes place on a spaceship that’s crashed into a crop field in Luxembourg and it’s about aliens who want to live on the moon and the aliens have named themselves after important cultural figures on Earth and they basically embody their namesakes because they’ve assimilated all their knowledge and personality

and I totally forgot about it until today and

and whaw’pr;ojta’;g

I should not be allowed near computers when I’m delirious on Lemsip oh my GOD I’m dfg;sfdihgt

posted 3 days ago with 9 notes

Fun things: the gender neutral pronouns you end up using when trying to describe your dating history to people you don’t know that well because you don’t know how tolerant they may or may not be

Oh wait, it’s not fun at all, is it

posted 3 days ago with 9 notes
#fml

  • Grandma: What do you call those houses owned by the council?
  • Me: Council houses?
  • Grandma: That's the one
posted 4 days ago with 8 notes
#fml

I have a lot of messages to reply to and I will reply to them I will I really will but at the moment I think I am going to go to bed and maybe make myself into a circle under the duvet because that’s always quite nice isn’t it

posted 4 days ago with 5 notes

liiiiiiing asked: "Dear Santa,"

Dear Santa,

It’s OK. I don’t blame you. Mum bought the wrapping paper cheap at the supermarket. It was a good deal. It makes total sense that you’d use the same stuff, right? It was such a bargain. I bet you always loved bargains. Having to buy all those toys for all those kids. You must’ve got at least some on a BOGOF, bought a few on a buy-three-for-the-price-of-two deal. Yeah, it makes sense. The wrapping paper was just a bargain. I bet everyone used it that year. My mum. My dad. You. It’s fine. It makes total sense.

You bastard.

- Anwen

posted 4 days ago with 8 notes