Probably on the toilet

Awkward Christmas dinner conversation
  • Me: I just got off the phone with Auntie B and she gave me the whole 'I hope you find a boyfriend soon' talk.
  • Mummy: Just tell her you're seeing a girl and have done with it.
  • Grandma: ...
  • Uncle: ...
  • Daddy: ... *cough*
  • Mummy: Well, you are.
posted 2 years ago with 1 note

My sister
  • Her: omg [insert awesome TV show here] is soooo crap, y u watch it
  • Me: Have you ever seen it?
  • Her: no but -
  • Me: Watch it, then judge.
  • Her: k but i no its crap
  • *two hours later*
  • Her: OMG [awesome TV show] IS SO GOOD CAN I BORROW YOUR DVD
posted 2 years ago with 2 notes

Apparently, guys don’t find funny girls attractive

In my opinion, this means I will forever be single.

In everyone else’s opinion, I’m probably a great catch.

posted 2 years ago with 1 note

For dinner, my dad cooked sausages, meatballs and rice. He laid it out on my plate so that the meatballs and sausage made a penis, and the rice was the sperm.

I never had a chance, really.

posted 2 years ago with 2 notes

This is why I quit therapy
  • Therapist: Are you in a relationship?
  • Me: ... yeeeeees.
  • Therapist: Are you sexually active?
  • Me: *cough splutter choke* No, and I don't think I ever will be.
  • Therapist: Why not?
  • Me: I'm... not interested.
  • *therapist puts down her clipboard and looks at me*
  • Therapist: Then is it really a relationship without the physical side of things?
  • Me: ... yes? We both like each other, and -
  • Therapist: Seems to me like it's just a friendship. Would things really change if you ended it?
  • Me: ...
  • *gets up and leaves*
posted 2 years ago with 96 notes

My adorable baby girl nearly died today :(

Today was a fucking horrible day :(

We were at the vets and we’d taken both our babies in a carrier, but as they’d been misbehaving a bit lately, we’d put them both on leads. We didn’t really think that through, in hindsight… Anyway, when we got to the vets, we took them out the carrier and we realised that Emilia had somehow got Gus’ lead wrapped tightly around her neck. Her eyes were bulging out, all red, and she was whimpering and choking. Beth promptly burst into tears and started hyperventilating, leaving me to try and be the responsible one - I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE. I managed to get her untangled and she was OK, we got the vet to check her over, but I just feel awful.

I feel awful because Emilia is my baby girl. She really is. Beth is better at handling Gus, and I’m better at handling Emilia. Emilia is also often overlooked, because out of the two rabbits, Gus is definitely the more typically cute one, with her fluffy fur and ridiculously friendly nature. I think I’m the only one who pays her an equal amount of attention, and she repays me by letting me hug her and sitting on my shoulder :’) I felt so awful seeing her in so much pain :( I know I saved her life, but right now I just want to cuddle her and never ever let her go.

She’s outside in her hutch right now and I just want to take her to bed with me and snuggle up to her. She loves that :’)

Well, she’s fine now, and I can’t change what happened. It was just a horrible eye-opener of how big a responsibility being a pet owner really is.

posted 2 years ago with 3 notes

This also happened today.
  • Beth: I love how we can talk about anything in public and we don't give a crap.
  • Me: I know. I have a really itchy fanny.
  • Old woman: *Rolls her eyes*
posted 2 years ago with 2 notes

Sometimes I wish I were a boy, just so I could have a bromance.
posted 2 years ago with 2 notes

Wandering through the hallowed halls of my flat, improvising devastatingly emotional power ballads.
posted 2 years ago with 2 notes

I have a Melie-Moo in my lap :D


She bit my knee as soon as this was taken.

posted 2 years ago with 1 note

My lives
  • Person I don't like: I LOVE YOU
  • Person I love: Who are you?
posted 2 years ago

Fleeting (or, a poem about being)

Your identity is

temporary, and you wear it like

a cloak, draw it tightly around

you until you could

fly. If I could part

the clouds and reveal the

bare bones beneath, I

would, but I can’t get deep

enough under your

skin, into your

flesh, to find your

veins and trace them into

a map of your being. I

can’t taste the scar tissue,

can’t see where you begin and

where you end. You are

eternal, and yet you are

fleeting, a chameleon in

an empty room.

posted 2 years ago with 2 notes